I need an intervention and not the kind that Ben & Jerry are currently trying to give. While I know that they may have good intentions, they are not helping my cause in the least. In fact, I do believe that they are making it worse. Dairy Queen and Blue Bell have tried to lend a hand as well but they too are not helping.

Sigh.

I really do not know what is wrong with me. Sure, I have always liked ice cream, but here lately the like has turned into a full out addiction. Is it boredom? Is it mild depression? Is it stress? I dunno but it has to go. Somehow, someway.

But man, sugar withdrawals are killer. I’ll get through a few days until I can no longer handle the pounding headache, give in and eat ice cream. Headache goes away but then I am miffed at myself for giving in and not being “in control”. If this is how drug addicts feel, I can understand why quitting is so hard. And, we won’t even mention what it is doing to my hips. I am petrified to go to my doctors appointment on Monday. He’s never made a single comment about any gains I have had here or there, but I feel like I am not only letting myself down but him as well.

Do they make ice cream addicts anonymous? Ice cream rehab?

I have worn glasses/contacts for oh, gracious, 15 years now (wow, I feel really old). We “discovered” the need when I went for my learner’s permit eye exam. Let me tell you, such fun to suddenly have to start wearing glasses in high school. Thankfully I only *really* needed them when I was driving/reading and for a long time that was the only time I would wear them. Later, wearing them just became habit and then I moved to contacts. The last 2 years, I have solely worn contacts (love my 30 day extended wear ones). The last pair of glasses I even bought, were bought when we still lived in the UK (we have been back in the states almost 4 years now). My eyes hadn’t changed enough to justify buying new ones for the one day a month I wore them. Recently though, I have toyed with the idea of wearing them more again. Glasses are stylish and fashionable and something different. Mind you, I am not giving up my contacts, I’ll still interchange them for glasses but it is nice to have a change, especially on days when my allergies are bugging me.

This is the result.

Thirteen reflections on 30.

1. Turning 30 wasn’t as bad as I had envisioned. On this side, I am in great company.

2. My 20′s sucked. Not so sure why I want to stay in them longer.

3. My 30′s are going to be great.

4. Ummm…

5. Yeah…

6. Sure…

7. Huh…

8. Anyway…

9. Can

10. I

11. Claim

12. Alzheimer’s

13. Already?

It’s official, I’m 30. Wow.

Thirteen things you might not know about me.

1. I have moved more times than I have fingers and toes. Hence why I have the itch…again. It’s just normal for me.

2. I never wanted to get married nor have kids.

3. I took ballet from age 3 to 11 but I definitely wouldn’t call myself graceful.

4. I get along much better with guys and always have. Less drama and less “keeping up with the Jones”.

5. I was on my way to becoming a doctor until I got Forrest Gump for an A&P teacher. I took his class twice and withdrew both times to avoid dropping my GPA. That was the first science class I ever had to actually crack a book in and still couldn’t pull at least a “B”.

6. College was very hard for me, I actually had to study.

7. I totaled the first 2 cars I owned and wrecked the 3rd one twice (once was not my fault, Bambi should have listened to his mother and stayed by her side).

8. I am totally not cut out for military life, except for the moving…I do okay there.

9. I was a leaving Prints scrapbooking consultant when we lived in the UK. So totally not a fit for me.

10. I collect frog “stuff” and have for YEARS. No clue where the obsession came from.

11. I do not like talking on the phone. I will email you all day long, but get me on the phone and I want off about 5 minutes later. The only person I *like* to talk to is Bryan and I even have my moments with him.

12. I won several pageants as a child, including Little Miss Cowgirl in 1985. Yes, cowgirl…don’t hate.

13. I am a spoiled brat. Really, I bet you didn’t know that :)!

I’ve been sitting on this post for a week now, I HATE writing these updates.

Last week I had my routine oncology appointment and yes, the diagnosis is still cancer, chronic lymphocytic leukemia to be exact. It probably sounds a little bit like denial, but I always go in hoping that they will say, “OMG, I am so sorry, it isn’t cancer, it is….??”. I know that isn’t going to happen, I trust my current team of doctors immensely, but there is still that irrational hope. I mean, I defied all the odds getting it, isn’t there that 1% chance they are wrong?

Sigh.

My white blood cell counts are staying pretty stable, up to 18 from 15 when I had my last check up 6 months ago. Normal is 4-10, I was diagnosed with counts at 26 and my weight loss has helped my numbers come down in the last year. White blood cells accumulate in fat, so if you are heavier you are typically going to have higher WBC counts in general (only normal ones, not defunct ones like me :). I had been really worried about my counts, because they were at 22 when I was in the ER this summer from my lovely allergy shot allergic reaction. My doctor told me to never pay any attention to my counts when I am sick or have any other trauma because basically they will shoot up solely in reaction to that and not be a good guide. I am not anemic though and my platelets are fine, so that is good news as well. She is concerned that my symptoms are getting worse (fatigue and night sweats, I swear I am going through menopause at 29) but still does not feel ready to “treat” me because the side effects are much worse. She always asks my input though, because she says she is not me and I am a very unique case so they don’t truly have all the answers for me (average age of a CLL patient is 70 and male, there aren’t even enough of “me” out there to have any sort of statistics). I opted to still just wait and see because I am able to function normally most of the time but I go back again in 3 months now instead of 6.She prescribed me Lunesta (which I haven’t taken yet) in hopes of allowing me to sleep through the drenching night sweats. We can’t stop them, but hopefully I can at least get some rest. Otherwise, I am caught in a vicious cycle…extreme fatigue, broken sleep, extreme fatigue, broken sleep.

I did get one piece of bad news, this was my last appointment with her personally. She deploys in January and then is separating from the Air Force when she gets back. I have been truly blessed to have her as my oncologist and I am not sure anyone will ever fill her shoes. While I still don’t understand why God placed this specific battle in my life, he definitely knew what he was doing giving it to me here. Not only is she is wonderful oncologist, but she is a hematology oncologist which is the specialty I need and considering oncologists in the Air Force in general are few and far between, it is nothing short of a miracle.

This news did bring peace of mind about though in a different way. Bryan’s job here is horrible and the way it is affecting our family is worse than I could have ever imagined. We survived the UK, why in the heck would Florida break us?! And, while I absolutely love my job, as tired as I am there are many days that I wish I didn’t *have* to go to work. We had been tossing back and forth the idea of retraining but hated the thought of leaving my medical team, first and foremost, Dr. G. We had been praying about it but didn’t feel like we were getting a strong response one way or the other. After hearing her news, it was almost like God saying, “it’s okay”. So, a few days ago I looked at the budget and although it would take some getting used to, we could live without my salary. Then, last night we sat down and looked at all the job with E-5 slots open and narrowed it down to 5. Bryan submitted the eligibility request this morning and now we wait on a response. They have up to 20 duty days to let him know if he is qualified/eligible for any/all the jobs and then we go from there. Nothing is set in stone, but the process has officially been nudged. If possible, we’d like to arrange it so J and I stay here at least until the beginning of June. I don’t want to make her change schools if we don’t have to and I am heavily involved in Relay this year. That though, is up to the AF powers that be after we see our options and make our wishes known.

In a way, it is scary to think of leaving here and the roots we have set down. This is the longest I have ever lived somewhere since I was 11. I have a great job, we have an awesome church and large support system. On the other hand though, I am getting the immense itch to move and go somewhere that people don’t know my “story”. Somewhere I feel like I “fit in”.

We shall see what the future holds.

Can you believe it is already October?! Heck, it is not even the first, it is already the third…sigh. 26 more days till till I become an old lady…blech. 26 more days to get these last 12 pounds off to hit my final goal…not likely to happen. I haven’t missed a progress goal yet, but I really don’t see me making this one. I have no one to blame but myself for  derailing my success these last few month.

Anyway…

I did manage to get my October menu planning done, I just need to make the grocery list now. We really need to stick to the plan this month, as I got a very rude awakening yesterday when looking at “where our money goes” in quicken. We have spent right at $1K a month for the last three months on groceries and eating out. Especially appalling when you look at the fact that I eat less than Jacey, so we initially feed 2 people around here right now. Our greatest culprit is laziness though. We get home, don’t feel like cooking so we go out. In turn all the food that we bought ends up spoiling. Expensive and wasteful.

So, here is the plan…anyone out there willing to hold me accountable via twitter or facebook? Pop in every once in a while and call me out if I am not “cooking”?

October Menu (days that don’t have sides listed are just random veggies)

1. leftovers

2. teriyaki chicken, refried black beans, sweet potatoes

3. chicken noodle soup, cornbread, honey bars

4. 20 clove chicken, roasted veggies

5. leftovers

6. frito pie

7. dinner at church or out

8. broccoli cheddar quiche

9. taco soup, Mexican cornbread

10. hot dogs on the fire pit, potato salad, s’mores

11. church picnic – Greek tuna pasta salad, Heath cheesecake

12. leftovers

13. Pensacola – grilled cheese, tomato soup

14. dinner at church or out

15. pesto chicken, asparagus

16. curry chicken pot pie

17. breakfast – cheesy eggs, sausage, pancakes

18. grilled chicken salad, cranberry-pineapple minis

19. leftovers

20. spinach mushroom quiche

21. dinner at church or out

22. meatball subs, pea salad

23. camping – no clue yet

24. camping – no clue yet

25. spaghetti and meatballs, spinach pear salad

26. leftovers

27. crab salad tostada, black bean salad, Spanish rice

28. dinner at church or out

29. My Birthday – out to Melting Pot

30. firecracker enchilada casserole, black bean salad, Spanish rice

31. Halloween – frozen pizza

Nov 1. chopped steak, Italian marinated veggie salad

Thirteen random thoughts on my mind in the present.

1. So, Thursday’s. I have had to alter my workouts, sine Jacey is now taking baton twirling on Thursday’s. I used to go up to the base gym as soon as I got off work, but now I am going to run either outside or in the CLC gym while she is in class. Killing two birds with one stone…eh :). I just did a short run yesterday, trying to eyeball a route. Time wise, I should be able to double it and still not be late picking her up…3 miles won’t be too shabby.

[iframe http://runkeeper.com/pub/act/wTIZIuWBDJQxkYWtQPbF/map 425 345]

2. My body is so not my friend right now. We bought Wii Active last weekend for me to use on the days I can’t make it to the gym and it is kicking my butt! I am currently doing the 30 day workout plan on moderate (there is 3 levels). Why is it that I can run for 45 minutes with no pain, but do 3 Wii Active workouts with a resistance band and my own body resistance and am dying?! Go figure.

3. Is the rain ever going to stop? Just a little over it here.

4. My truck is all nice and clean on the inside now. The rain really makes a mess of my black on black interior and a friend is riding with me tomorrow. Couldn’t let her see the mess, I’d be embarrassed. Guess I ended up with an hour long workout today anyway, even after deciding it would be a rest day :).

5. You know, my band is fickle. Oscar (the grouch) is definitely an appropriate name for it. I can eat almost anything, steak, chicken, etc except bread, rice and pasta. And bananas…go figure. I am not a huge fan of bananas but like one occasionally and get stuck every darn time.

6. A few days ago, I booked our camping weekend. Yes, you heard me right and no, I am not loosing my mind…I think. Anyone that truly knows me, is probably pretty doubtful at this point though :). We are going to Florida Caverns State Park from October 23rd-25th and staying in a tent. Bryan and Jacey have begged me for years and I finally gave in. I’ve been there before as a child, my uncle even got married there. Anyone local have any camping equipment we can borrow before I hit up Outdoor Rec?

7. For Thanksgiving this year, I think we are going to go work in the Waterfront Mission’s soup kitchen. I worked in one when I was around Jacey’s age and it is an experience that I have never forgotten. I think it will be a really good life lesson for Jacey, that even though they may not “have” the material things we do, they are people and important just the same. We drive through a few sections of trailers that are not very well kept up every day and she has been really noticing the “differences” here lately. I really want to do anything possible to keep her from being judgmental based on financial status.

8. Then, on Black Friday we are going to head to Tampa for the weekend while all the crazies are out shopping. We’ll hit up Busch Gardens one day and no clue what yet the next. Maybe the zoo or the aquarium?! I’d love to do a hot air balloon ride but they are CRAZY expensive for the 3 of us.

9. And Christmas. This year we are staying home. I am sure family won’t be too thrilled, but I’d just like a peaceful season instead of the rush, rush that happens when you travel. Yes, I am being selfish this year.

10. Bryan’s work is going to drive me to drinking…sigh. They are so short on people and those they do have are misfits. From week to week, his schedule is changing from days to swings which makes planning anything, including my necessary doctor’s appointments totally impossible. Is it time to retire yet?

11. Anyone out there have any opinions on the whole H1N1 vaccine? I am really not too keen on getting it, I feel it has been rushed but don’t really think I will have much of a choice for myself or Jacey. Bryan being military HAS to get it and with me being immunocompromised, I am scheduled in the first group. I know I can say no, but it scares me regardless. If I did not have cancer, I would definitely say no for both Jacey and I but….I mean, I never even got a regular flu shot till last year, my first flu season with cancer. Thankfully, neither J nor I have ever had the flu (last year was her first shot too).

12. Tomorrow is our Relay For Life Early Bird Bash (training) out in Navarre. Laura (the event chair…my “boss”:) is riding with me and I am sure we will have lots of fun. We are so much alike, it is scary at times.

13. Did you know they make drumsticks with no nuts? In mint, vanilla and vanilla fudge at that…SCORE! I am going to go have one right now…

• Can you believe it is already September, where has this year gone?! Before you know it, it will be Christmas and then 2010…sigh.

• I had an appointment with my PCM yesterday for a few skin issues. I just love her to pieces. She put me back on Yaz and we are going to also try Retin-A cream while I wait for an appointment with a dermatologist for my recent crazy outbreak of acne. She also took a look at my extra tummy (aka saggy skin) and definitely sees an issue. Even though TRICARE is horrible about covering any procedures, she put in for a consult with plastics regardless. They may deny it but at least we have started documenting the issue. At this point, I’d just be happy for them to take that skin and not do a full tummy tuck…the flapping when I am running is getting really old (and painful).

• I finally got my oncology appt made but it isn’t till the end of September. I kinda wish it was earlier but what do you do. Appointment availability is slim pickings at a military hospital with specialists. I am so tired lately and forgetting everything which is so not me. I’m not sure if it has anything to do with the leukemia or if it is just stress but I would still like her opinion.

• My office is finally done, minus the wall prints and those are ordered and on their way. I love it and will be sure to share pics once it is done.

• My house is a disaster zone and it is totally making me crazy. We never seems to have to time to stop and really clean it though. We were going to do it Thursday but now, Jacey has a trial theatre class that night.

• And speaking of Jacey, so far the writing sentences is appearing to work. She’s even admitting to playing around when she is supposed to be showering and getting dressed. Let’s pray it continues its effect.

• We are also trying to figure out what extracurricular activities to let her do this year. She is interested in baton twirling. One group only has Wednesday evening practices for beginners and I am not willing to let her miss church on Wednesday nights. Luckily our CLC attached to my work offers them as well and I get a 50% staff discount, so I think we will let her try it out there. I am pushing the theatre class because I think it would be a really good fit. I hope she likes the trial class, but if not I won’t make her. I am only going to allow her 1-2 activities though, otherwise it gets to be too much on her and I. Not enough down time and too much travel/practice time. She expressed interest in Girl Scouts last year but I haven’t seen anything about that yet this year.

• This weekend is a 4 day weekend for both Bryan and I (only 3 day for Jacey) and it CAN NOT get here soon enough. I think Bry and I are going to go kayaking Friday and then we have our canoe trip down the Blackwater on Monday. We are also contemplating the Greek Festival since we love Greek food. Maybe, maybe not. I want the weekend to be fun and relaxing at the same time.

• AT&T is so not on my good side again. Remember me complaining about no data a month or so ago? Well the issue was only temporarily fixed and it back with a vengeance now. I can’t even get GPRS here in Niceville, which means no internet on my phone (what is the use of an iPhone without it), my visual voicemail doesn’t work and my texts are slower than molasses. They need to get this issue fixed SOON and credit my account. $60 a month on data we aren’t getting is a lot of wasted money.

• Anyway, enough rambling. My blizzard just arrived and is calling my name (hey, I went to the gym today, so I can eat it guilt free :).