I am starting the one hundred push ups and two hundred sit ups challenge. I have finally decided that I AM going to be able to keep up with Bryan’s pt requirements for the military and while I have no issues with the run, I cannot do push ups or sit ups to save my life.My endurance is strong, but my core strength sucks. I can do plank into upward facing dog in yoga but can’t come back up on a push up. Pitiful really ;).

So, today I did the initial test. 4 sit ups and 3 push ups. Those numbers are so bad, I shouldn’t even admit to them but alas, I am not going to improve by hiding behind my weaknesses. I plan to do the actual program on M-W-F, starting Monday. I even downloaded the iPhone apps for both programs, so I have an easy way to track that is always with me no matter where I am (since I won’t finish the program before we move). As I get going, I will post my progresses sporadically to keep myself accountable. Help me out there too though…okay?!

The biggest I think though lately is my self image and self expectations. I am mad at myself for gaining 10 pounds back from my lowest that I worked so hard to get to. I am mad at myself for not being able to get past 4 miles running when I was up to 6 regularly last year. I am frustrated at being tired all the time and letting the sugar addiction back in.

Today, I was listening to Sirius – The Message on the way to base and Johnny Diaz’s “More Beautiful You” came on. Can we say reality check?! I am adding more stress to my plate by being mad about all these things when I really need to step back and focus on the big picture.

For starters, I have went from this…

To this…

Even if I never get those 10 pounds BACK off, I have come a very LONG way.

And, as for the running, I just need to accept that I have cancer and while that may not cripple me, there will be days I can only make 1 mile and there may be days I can make 6. I need to enjoy it again, instead of beating myself up that I didn’t go far enough or fast enough. Who am I running for anyway? Myself or someone else?

This is not to say that I will never battle the “beating myself up” battle again. I think we all go through times like that for one reason or another, but we really need to try to step back and focus on what is truly important, the big picture!

No hating, it has been a long day, I look like crap and apparently can’t keep track of my days. I didn’t realize the error until after it was done and I wasn’t redoing 4 minutes. So deal ;p!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Anyway…

So, the whole weight thing…I’ve really been giving it a lots of thought in the past few days. When does enough become enough? Am I happy here or do I TRULY want to go lower or am I only set on going lower because I feel that is what I am expected to do? Like, I had surgery so I am expected to be tiny and if I gain 5 pounds, I am a failure?! I dunno. Originally, I had my goal set at 160 which was lower than what I weighed when Bryan and I got married. I was happy there. But, a few months into the process, I set a second goal for 140 because, well, I don’t know why. Maybe because it put me into a “normal” BMI?! Maybe because I am so short I felt like I needed to be smaller than 160, who knows. But, I was HAPPY at 165 and I am lower than that now.

Well, I have decided enough is enough. I am tired of constantly thinking about those “last few pounds”, tired of feeling guilty if I want a dessert. Heck, my original non-weight goal was to be able to shop anywhere again, i.e. a size 14. I am now a size 8/10 (I would be a solid 8 if I could get a tummy tuck but let’s not go there, very frustrated with the military about that issue) and finding clothes that fit is no issue. In fact I would LOVE to be done if only for the fact that I would allow myself to actually buy clothes again. This having a skeleton wardrobe because I don’t want to “waste” money sucks.

Done. I am done. I plan to keep up with my exercise because like I said in my last post it is a part of me now. Still make healthy choices but not focus on losing weight. I am also leaning towards moving my weigh-ins to every 2 weeks as opposed to every week. Bryan loves me the size I am now (not that he ever didn’t love me, but he actually told me tonight that I was perfect), now I need to learn to love ME.

Since I got my fill yesterday, I am going to jump back on track and get these last 20 pounds off. To do that, I must make some changes, so I am going to put them out there and I need YOUR help to keep me accountable.

Go off the Yaz. It is not helping my skin (which is why I started taking it again), nor my kooky cycles and instead is causing TONS of side effects (too many to list here). Let’s just say it did not do this to me when I took it last year but it will never again be in my body after I finish the pack Saturday. Bry has had the big “V”, so I don’t need it for the designed purpose anyway and they can figure something else out for the skin.

Eat my protein first. Easy enough.

Hit the gym or go running at least 3-4x a week. Not this 2 maybe 3 if I am lucky, like I have been doing the last few months.

Only eat ice cream when I am out. No more buying it for the house. I can’t ban it, I like it too much but I can’t have it in the house either because then I have no control.

I figure, that is a good start. It worked before when I was losing steadily, so there is no reason why it won’t again.

1. So, Thursday’s. I have had to alter my workouts, sine Jacey is now taking baton twirling on Thursday’s. I used to go up to the base gym as soon as I got off work, but now I am going to run either outside or in the CLC gym while she is in class. Killing two birds with one stone…eh :). I just did a short run yesterday, trying to eyeball a route. Time wise, I should be able to double it and still not be late picking her up…3 miles won’t be too shabby.

2. My body is so not my friend right now. We bought Wii Active last weekend for me to use on the days I can’t make it to the gym and it is kicking my butt! I am currently doing the 30 day workout plan on moderate (there is 3 levels). Why is it that I can run for 45 minutes with no pain, but do 3 Wii Active workouts with a resistance band and my own body resistance and am dying?! Go figure.

3. Is the rain ever going to stop? Just a little over it here.

4. My truck is all nice and clean on the inside now. The rain really makes a mess of my black on black interior and a friend is riding with me tomorrow. Couldn’t let her see the mess, I’d be embarrassed. Guess I ended up with an hour long workout today anyway, even after deciding it would be a rest day :).

5. You know, my band is fickle. Oscar (the grouch) is definitely an appropriate name for it. I can eat almost anything, steak, chicken, etc except bread, rice and pasta. And bananas…go figure. I am not a huge fan of bananas but like one occasionally and get stuck every darn time.

6. A few days ago, I booked our camping weekend. Yes, you heard me right and no, I am not loosing my mind…I think. Anyone that truly knows me, is probably pretty doubtful at this point though :). We are going to Florida Caverns State Park from October 23rd-25th and staying in a tent. Bryan and Jacey have begged me for years and I finally gave in. I’ve been there before as a child, my uncle even got married there. Anyone local have any camping equipment we can borrow before I hit up Outdoor Rec?

7. For Thanksgiving this year, I think we are going to go work in the Waterfront Mission’s soup kitchen. I worked in one when I was around Jacey’s age and it is an experience that I have never forgotten. I think it will be a really good life lesson for Jacey, that even though they may not “have” the material things we do, they are people and important just the same. We drive through a few sections of trailers that are not very well kept up every day and she has been really noticing the “differences” here lately. I really want to do anything possible to keep her from being judgmental based on financial status.

8. Then, on Black Friday we are going to head to Tampa for the weekend while all the crazies are out shopping. We’ll hit up Busch Gardens one day and no clue what yet the next. Maybe the zoo or the aquarium?! I’d love to do a hot air balloon ride but they are CRAZY expensive for the 3 of us.

9. And Christmas. This year we are staying home. I am sure family won’t be too thrilled, but I’d just like a peaceful season instead of the rush, rush that happens when you travel. Yes, I am being selfish this year.

10. Bryan’s work is going to drive me to drinking…sigh. They are so short on people and those they do have are misfits. From week to week, his schedule is changing from days to swings which makes planning anything, including my necessary doctor’s appointments totally impossible. Is it time to retire yet?

11. Anyone out there have any opinions on the whole H1N1 vaccine? I am really not too keen on getting it, I feel it has been rushed but don’t really think I will have much of a choice for myself or Jacey. Bryan being military HAS to get it and with me being immunocompromised, I am scheduled in the first group. I know I can say no, but it scares me regardless. If I did not have cancer, I would definitely say no for both Jacey and I but….I mean, I never even got a regular flu shot till last year, my first flu season with cancer. Thankfully, neither J nor I have ever had the flu (last year was her first shot too).

12. Tomorrow is our Relay For Life Early Bird Bash (training) out in Navarre. Laura (the event chair…my “boss”:) is riding with me and I am sure we will have lots of fun. We are so much alike, it is scary at times.

13. Did you know they make drumsticks with no nuts? In mint, vanilla and vanilla fudge at that…SCORE! I am going to go have one right now…

• I had an appointment with my PCM yesterday for a few skin issues. I just love her to pieces. She put me back on Yaz and we are going to also try Retin-A cream while I wait for an appointment with a dermatologist for my recent crazy outbreak of acne. She also took a look at my extra tummy (aka saggy skin) and definitely sees an issue. Even though TRICARE is horrible about covering any procedures, she put in for a consult with plastics regardless. They may deny it but at least we have started documenting the issue. At this point, I’d just be happy for them to take that skin and not do a full tummy tuck…the flapping when I am running is getting really old (and painful).

• I finally got my oncology appt made but it isn’t till the end of September. I kinda wish it was earlier but what do you do. Appointment availability is slim pickings at a military hospital with specialists. I am so tired lately and forgetting everything which is so not me. I’m not sure if it has anything to do with the leukemia or if it is just stress but I would still like her opinion.

• My office is finally done, minus the wall prints and those are ordered and on their way. I love it and will be sure to share pics once it is done.

• My house is a disaster zone and it is totally making me crazy. We never seems to have to time to stop and really clean it though. We were going to do it Thursday but now, Jacey has a trial theatre class that night.

• And speaking of Jacey, so far the writing sentences is appearing to work. She’s even admitting to playing around when she is supposed to be showering and getting dressed. Let’s pray it continues its effect.

• We are also trying to figure out what extracurricular activities to let her do this year. She is interested in baton twirling. One group only has Wednesday evening practices for beginners and I am not willing to let her miss church on Wednesday nights. Luckily our CLC attached to my work offers them as well and I get a 50% staff discount, so I think we will let her try it out there. I am pushing the theatre class because I think it would be a really good fit. I hope she likes the trial class, but if not I won’t make her. I am only going to allow her 1-2 activities though, otherwise it gets to be too much on her and I. Not enough down time and too much travel/practice time. She expressed interest in Girl Scouts last year but I haven’t seen anything about that yet this year.

• This weekend is a 4 day weekend for both Bryan and I (only 3 day for Jacey) and it CAN NOT get here soon enough. I think Bry and I are going to go kayaking Friday and then we have our canoe trip down the Blackwater on Monday. We are also contemplating the Greek Festival since we love Greek food. Maybe, maybe not. I want the weekend to be fun and relaxing at the same time.

• AT&T is so not on my good side again. Remember me complaining about no data a month or so ago? Well the issue was only temporarily fixed and it back with a vengeance now. I can’t even get GPRS here in Niceville, which means no internet on my phone (what is the use of an iPhone without it), my visual voicemail doesn’t work and my texts are slower than molasses. They need to get this issue fixed SOON and credit my account. $60 a month on data we aren’t getting is a lot of wasted money.

• Anyway, enough rambling. My blizzard just arrived and is calling my name (hey, I went to the gym today, so I can eat it guilt free :).

Saturday was my 1 year bandiversary. On July 25, 2008 I was scared out of my mind, second guessing the decision. Was it the right choice? Would it even help? Would I be successful? Would I heal right being high risk?

Well, a few weeks in as I was back to normal food and still dropping weight, my fears subsided. This has not been a foolproof journey though. The rapid weight loss caused gallstones which resulted in another surgery, only 9 months from the first. While I knocked my sweet addiction easily in the beginning, it has reared its ugly head again. But, the key is to keep plugging along, one foot in front of the other. This is not a miracle cure, it takes work but it does work if you do your part. Would I recommend it, absolutely! This has been a huge turning point for me. Not only with the reduced health risks, but finding me again. The me I had hidden because I was ashamed of my weight. So I wouldn’t stand out. I’m finding that while I am still an introvert, I am not nearly as much of an introvert as I thought. In all honesty, you could probably even call me a flirt now…LOL! And biggest of all for me, is that I can actually say I ENJOY exercise! Who’d have thought it, coming from the child that used to forge notes to get out of PE and even made a B. Yes, a B in PE!

So, my technical goal is still 140 by my 30th birthday in October but I am not 100% sure about it yet. I have blown all my other goals out of the water, but I am quite pleased with where I sit right now (except I’d love a tummy tuck…LOL…c/s and weight loss do no favors to your tummy), so not sure where I will stop actively trying and just maintain. We shall see :)

Here are my stats at 1 year….

Starting weight – 232
1 year weight – 154.0
Total weight lost – 78

Starting BMI – 41.09 (morbidly obese)
1 year BMI – 27.28 (overweight)

Starting clothes size – 22 (bottoms)/2-3X (shirts)
1 year clothes size – 8/10 (bottoms)/M/L (shirts)

The cardio room at the big base gym (this is only the right half of it). Where I terrorize my body 3-5 times a week…LOL!

• Monday, Bry and I were out running errands and I had a wild hair to run into Kohl’s. I was looking for another pair of Levi’s, the exact same as I had on, only in one size smaller…a 10. Couldn’t find a 10, but I found an 8, held it up and thought no way. Bry convinced me to try them on and THEY FIT! I couldn’t believe it. I even tried on 2 other brands of size 8′s and they fit too. I am SO thrilled. All through this journey, all I wanted was to be out of the plus sized section…I never imagined myself in a size 8!!

• Yesterday, Bry came home after his MXG Commander’s Call and said his squadron was looking for key spouses. I was a key spouse when we were stationed at Dyess and then briefly at Lakenheath before I bowed out due to drama. When we moved here to Eglin, I was told his sq didn’t have key spouses because they don’t deploy…turns out, they do have key spouses after all (and why they didn’t call me once over a 2 month TDY last year is beyond me…anyway, I’ll get off that soapbox before it gets ugly). Bry asked me if I wanted to be one and I (yes, I am a glutton for punishment) agreed to give it a go again. he did tell his First Shirt though that I will not put up with any drama, so we shall see. Not like I don’t have enough going on already, what’s one more thing…LOL!

• I’ve been less than thrilled with our gym here lately (we are members of the Niceville YMCA). It is always dirty, in need of repair and hot. Truly makes me wonder what exactly my membership fees pay for. They just put a huge, brand new gym down in Bluewater Bay so we went and checked it out. It’s nice but it really started us thinking. The new gym would cost $15 more a month, even with a charter membership and I haven’t even been in our current gym but once in the last month. We have 2 gyms (my smaller work gym and the huge base gym) within 7 miles for free and I prefer to run outside anyway. Is a gym membership even truly feasible for us?! After much conversation, we decided no. We are going to cancel our Y membership, continue to run outside like we already do and use the 2 free gyms when we want weights and such. The base gym also offers all sorts of classes, some free and some only $2 a class. I can take 15-20 classes a month, plus my gas and still not equal the cost of our Y membership. Nothing wrong with saving a few bucks, I say.

• Any of you that follow my 101 in 1001 list might remember that there was a task to not eat out for 30 days. I have determinied that will simply never happen in this household, so I changed it to simply no fast food for 30 days. That is still a stretch but I can actually see thaty happening. Not sure what I was thinking with the original task…I don’t like cooking THAT much.

• My ice cream addiction has to go. They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit, so starting today I am on a 21 day challenge to have no ice cream. Ice cream is not bad in and of itself, but I have absolutely zero control when it comes to it. So, the best thing is to just not have it at all. Hopefully at the end of the 21 days, I can have it occasionally but not have the severe cravings for it all the time that I have now. I will need help though, so keep me accountable! No ice cream till August 5th!

• Normally at work, my summer is pretty quiet. I normally use this time to work from home a little bit instead of in the office the entire time. Not this summer…sigh. We open our new children’s building next month and it is pure craziness trying to get everything set up. I am just very thankful that I am not a part of the children’s ministry and only have to deal with the children’s choir portion of the schedule/building. I went in to ask a simple 5-10 minute question today and finally got back to my office 2 hours later. I know it is SO worth it, but I have to keep reminding myself of that lately because the headaches are definitely there right now.

• I finally go in for my cut and color Friday…YAY!! I really needed it last week, but have just been so busy. I LOVE my stylist, she does an awesome job and is just so sweet. And hey, there is nothing wrong with a little pampering time and after these past few weeks, I need it!