Sigh.

I really do not know what is wrong with me. Sure, I have always liked ice cream, but here lately the like has turned into a full out addiction. Is it boredom? Is it mild depression? Is it stress? I dunno but it has to go. Somehow, someway.

But man, sugar withdrawals are killer. I’ll get through a few days until I can no longer handle the pounding headache, give in and eat ice cream. Headache goes away but then I am miffed at myself for giving in and not being “in control”. If this is how drug addicts feel, I can understand why quitting is so hard. And, we won’t even mention what it is doing to my hips. I am petrified to go to my doctors appointment on Monday. He’s never made a single comment about any gains I have had here or there, but I feel like I am not only letting myself down but him as well.

Do they make ice cream addicts anonymous? Ice cream rehab?

The biggest I think though lately is my self image and self expectations. I am mad at myself for gaining 10 pounds back from my lowest that I worked so hard to get to. I am mad at myself for not being able to get past 4 miles running when I was up to 6 regularly last year. I am frustrated at being tired all the time and letting the sugar addiction back in.

Today, I was listening to Sirius – The Message on the way to base and Johnny Diaz’s “More Beautiful You” came on. Can we say reality check?! I am adding more stress to my plate by being mad about all these things when I really need to step back and focus on the big picture.

For starters, I have went from this…

To this…

Even if I never get those 10 pounds BACK off, I have come a very LONG way.

And, as for the running, I just need to accept that I have cancer and while that may not cripple me, there will be days I can only make 1 mile and there may be days I can make 6. I need to enjoy it again, instead of beating myself up that I didn’t go far enough or fast enough. Who am I running for anyway? Myself or someone else?

This is not to say that I will never battle the “beating myself up” battle again. I think we all go through times like that for one reason or another, but we really need to try to step back and focus on what is truly important, the big picture!

Since J and I got home from Texas it has been full on, non-stop, go, go ,go. Enough already! I guess the benefit is that time is flying and Bryan will be home before I know it (only to turn around and leave for another 3 months, but let’s not go there right now).

Work has been a little nuts, I walked into *only* 230 emails and 5 voicemails, along with a laundry list of upcoming events that needed to be booked. Top that with the fact  that I feel like I have been out of the office half the week for doctor appointments and it makes me a little crazy. Thank goodness today is my Friday.

Monday, I ate lunch with Belinda and we both agreed that it needs to happen more often. We went weekly last year, but when school started back up and everyone got crazy, it stopped. Then I had my top secret investigation for Bryan’s TS clearance paperwork. They asked a bit more than I thought they would but at least it is over. Nothing like feeling like your life is under a microscope. That evening was a Relay For Life Team Party. I was ready for Monday to be over.

Tuesday I had a fill appointment in Pensacola. While there, I had lunch with some friends at the New Yorker Deli. I was a bit sad when lunch was over, they are such fun!

Wednesday, I had that lovely annual womanly cancer screening. I am so thankful that I <3 my PCM. She makes that annoying visit, so much more bearable. Next up will be the mammogram (oh, joy) and a referral to general surgery to get a cyst taken off my elbow. At this point, I so thankful for our insurance, because I am a medical nightmare!

Today, well today was just a Thursday. After work/school, J had baton twirling and then we headed to Destin. I wanted to look at a camera in Best Buy and treated J to Panera for dinner (she loves their chicken noodle soup). Since it was so cold out, we also made a stop at Starbucks for hot chocolate. This was the 2nd Starbucks in 3 days that was out of the signature hot chocolate (the horror) but I did learn that they have a white hot chocolate and it is fabulous. Good thing the closest one is 15 minutes away, because those yummy little cups are 330 calories a pop WITH nonfat milk. Next stop was The Fresh Market for Greek yogurt…yum. Now I am home. Bryan and I talked for a bit and I finally bit the bullet on a new p&s camera. I had been debating between the Canon S90 and the Panasonic Lumix DMC-LX3 but after getting to be all touchy feeling with the Canon in Best Buy today, it won me over. This will be my first Canon p&s but it comes with rave reviews. I <3 my Nikon dSLR (hated the Canon dSLR I had before) but their p&s’s suck. Normally I go with Sony p&s’s but I have been very unhappy with my most recent one. I am looking forward to trying this line of Canon’s. Now, J will get Bryan’s current camera and Bryan will get mine and we’ll all be happy, right :)?

Isn’t it purdy ? :)

Tomorrow is another one of those days…Saturday can’t get here soon enough so I can sleep in! After I drop J off at school, it is allergy shots, blood work and then an eye exam. I was going to go get my new glasses but I think I will wait till Bry gets home so he can voice an opinion. If that is the case though, I might, just *might* have time for a nap before J gets out of school. Hmmmm…..

I’m at the point that I no longer really *think* about my band. Sure, I still want to get these stinkin’ last 20 pounds off but in my day to day life it doesn’t cross my mind (of course, ask me this after my next fill when Dr. Nye thinks I’ll be at my sweet spot). My exercise is the norm, in fact I am really irritated that I had to take a rest day today (I tweaked my knee yesterday, NOT during my 1.5 mile trail run but during my my 0.5 mile cool down walk on a track…sigh) and I have learned what to eat and not eat and to slow down. Now, it is just a lifestyle.

Don’t get me wrong, I still like to keep up with a certain few banded friends and will give my advice/experiences to anyone that asks but I am past the point of it being a focus. The first year, it consumed my thoughts and now, it is rarely a thought. Funny how life works :).

So, I called and left a message for Rose in Dr. Nye’s office today (I had to call over my EFMP paperwork anyway). I am leaning towards scheduling the fill the week I get back, just in case. I’d really hate to get to Texas and not be able to eat my beloved *real* Mexican food at least once. Being stuck on liquids all weekend due to irritation would totally suck! On the other hand, last time I went to San Antonio for Thanksgiving I came back 4 pounds heavier. Decisions, decisions…

I am going to be honest here. I have hidden it for the last few months behind smiles, but I am not smiling inside.

I have fallen…hard. Since September, I gained 13 pounds, I am now down to only 10.2 but still, 13 pounds! My total lack of caring has erased 5 months of hard work. 5 months of bettering myself and feeling good about my self. Why?

Sure, I could blame it on stress, I mean we do have TDYs, PCS, budget and job changes in the near future. I had the stress of working at a church during Christmas AND amidst a huge renovation project.

But, I don’t think it was that. I think I just gave up. Took on a “why bother” attitude.

I think I have been spending too much time comparing myself to everyone else and their losses compared to mine. Then, I read a verse today that really hit me.

“Do your own work well, and then you will have something to be proud of. But don’t compare yourself with others.” Galatians 6:4 (CEV)

I am really hard on myself, hence why none of my weight loss attempts before the band would work. One mess up and I gave up. Not this time though. I am done “giving up” and done comparing myself to others. Sure, I am still going to screw up, that is human nature but the only failure is giving up. I need to realize that I have less to lose now, so it IS going to be slower and that although you can’t tell by looking at me from the outside, I am an active leukemia patient. It is there everyday affecting every part of my body. I need to “man up” to this fact and simply do the best *I* can do.

So, I am officially getting back on track.

What does this mean for me? Well, for starters…

• Tracking my food, good or bad
• Opening up my food diary and being accountable to “anyone”, see it here
• Drinking at least 8 glasses of water a day
• Exercising at least 3x a week, even if my fatigue only allows a 10 minute walk – I was successful last week and this week, although I have discovered my body can’t handle the 3 days in a row I have been doing
• Stay at my calorie goal at least 6 days a week
• Allow myself 1 day a week that I can go over by 500 max
• Not allow snacks/desserts in the house that are more than 250 calories, those have to be gone “out” for

These aren’t hard goals, but I do need to get back in sync with them. I did them easily for 14 months and I CAN do them again.

• Work is nuts, you can definitely tell it is our busy season. My boss today informed me that sleep is overrated. I don’t agree :). 3 more work days till the Christmas Eve rush is over and 5 more work days till vacation!

• Monday, I had my routine appointment with my oncologist. My white blood cell counts are up to 24 from 18 at my last appointment, 3 months ago. Sigh. She’s not worried, because in her eyes that is a small jump but it still bugs me. I am back up to where I was when I was diagnosed almost 2 years ago. Wow, has it really been that long?! It’s still just watch and see because I feel “okay”. I have gotten sick twice already this season (a minor cold and pink eye) after not getting sick at all last season. She wants me to keep an eye on it and if I keep getting sick, she will check my immunoglobulin levels. If they are low, we can always do IV immunoglobulins but she has only seen about a 50% success rate in her patients. Her goal though is to do anything possible to prolong the amount of time until I have to go on chemo and I agree with that approach. She did contact the hospital at Nellis AFB and I can be seen on base, so now it is up to the chief and AF to send us there instead of Holloman AFB.

• Tuesday I had my band appointment. We won’t even discuss my weight, let’s just say I have gained a few pounds (if you really want to know, up on the top under about me is my band page). I’ve been really battling head hunger and mindless eating lately. Not sure why, boredom I suppose, but it needs to take a hike. He gave me a 0.5cc fill bringing me to 4.5cc total in my 10cc band. He thinks one more feel and I will be at my sweet spot (something about the pressure that comes back on the plunger when he fills). I actually get a real dinner again tomorrow night and I can’t wait to see where my restriction is although I am thinking it is going to be pretty good. Last night I ran a little over 4 miles and proceeded to gulp my water like I usually do. Bad idea, I could feel it not going down. Thankfully none came up, it eventually trickled through, because that would have been embarrassing (totally full cardio room with lots of cute guys in uniform, including mine but it wouldn’t have phased him).

• The weather here sucks. It has done nothing but rain the last few weeks. Jacey even asked me the other day if we really lived in the “sunshine state”.

• This weekend, I am doing all my Christmas baking/goody making. I do plan to have a piece of each (just being honest here) but the rest of those calories are going on some one else’s hips *insert evil laugh*!

• Today, Jacey and I both got our H1N1 vaccines and Jacey got her 2nd seasonal flu shot in her series. Now she just has to go back in 30 days for the 2nd H1N1 and she’ll be done for a year. I really had mixed feelings about the whole H1N1 vaccine. My oncologist recommended it but Bryan and I still weren’t 100% sure. We finally decided that for us the risk was greater to get the actual swine flu than to get the vaccine. Bryan leaves tomorrow, so if J or I got sick, we would be SOL and me being immunocompromised, who knows how it would affect me. Bryan is not eligible right now, but at least J and I will be protected. Bryan never gets anything (illness) anyway, he just always bring it home to me. Lucky me.

• My hard drive comes in tomorrow and this one is still chugging along…YAY! If I disappear for a few days though, you know why.

• We had our Relay For Life Team Captain Party last night and it went really well. Bryan resigned his online chair position (because of retraining) but it was picked up by another sub-committee member, so we still have a full committee roster. We don’t have another meeting until January and while I love relay, I am looking forward to the break. I just really have a lot on my plate right now and it is one less thing to stress about.

• And, like I mentioned earlier, Bryan leaves TDY for his first class tomorrow. I hate watching him pack, even though this first TDY will be cake. He’ll be gone a week, we’ll see him for 4 days at Thanksgiving and then he will be home a week and a half later. Now the TDY in January, will suck. He’ll be gone 2 months since the 2 classes are back to back. Oh well, right?! I made it through 2 months last year and at least he is not deployed. I am thankful for that every day!

Since I got my fill yesterday, I am going to jump back on track and get these last 20 pounds off. To do that, I must make some changes, so I am going to put them out there and I need YOUR help to keep me accountable.

Go off the Yaz. It is not helping my skin (which is why I started taking it again), nor my kooky cycles and instead is causing TONS of side effects (too many to list here). Let’s just say it did not do this to me when I took it last year but it will never again be in my body after I finish the pack Saturday. Bry has had the big “V”, so I don’t need it for the designed purpose anyway and they can figure something else out for the skin.

Eat my protein first. Easy enough.

Hit the gym or go running at least 3-4x a week. Not this 2 maybe 3 if I am lucky, like I have been doing the last few months.

Only eat ice cream when I am out. No more buying it for the house. I can’t ban it, I like it too much but I can’t have it in the house either because then I have no control.

I figure, that is a good start. It worked before when I was losing steadily, so there is no reason why it won’t again.

• Can I just brag on Quality Suzuki right now. Their service department is WORLDS above anything we have ever dealt with, especially Preston Hood Chevrolet, our nightmare dealership that basically finalized our decision to NEVER buy GM again. They had us in and out today in barely over an hour…amazing.

• So, Jacey’s 8th birthday is coming up in less than 3 weeks and all I have done is ordered the Hannah Montana movie and made dinner reservations. I am really slacking this year. She wanted a party but we talked her into just inviting 2 of her friends for a Destin adventure (Build a Bear, The Track, etc) and a sleepover. Have I sent the invitations out yet? No, of course not. Must do by Saturday…sigh. I think we have decided on the rest of her presents though, Wii Fit Plus and hip hop dancing lessons. Not as much as I normally get her, but what do you get the child that needs nothing and “wants” even less. The only thing even on her Christmas list is a skateboard (why, I have NO clue).

• This whole retraining stuff with Bryan is driving me CRAZY (said with my best Robert Muncsh impression). It’s not him or the thought of retraining (I am at peace with it), but AFPC, Force Health and heck, the Pentagon at this point. It seems that no one knows just exactly what flight physical he needs. By the time we get through all this, he’ll likely have a class III, class II and possibly even a class I…LOL!

• Oh, project 365…yes, I am slacking. I am SO ready for it to be over. I know I will enjoy looking through it in later years, but right now it is becoming a bit of a hassle. Less than 20 more days!