I am going to be honest here. I have hidden it for the last few months behind smiles, but I am not smiling inside.

I have fallen…hard. Since September, I gained 13 pounds, I am now down to only 10.2 but still, 13 pounds! My total lack of caring has erased 5 months of hard work. 5 months of bettering myself and feeling good about my self. Why?

Sure, I could blame it on stress, I mean we do have TDYs, PCS, budget and job changes in the near future. I had the stress of working at a church during Christmas AND amidst a huge renovation project.

But, I don’t think it was that. I think I just gave up. Took on a “why bother” attitude.

I think I have been spending too much time comparing myself to everyone else and their losses compared to mine. Then, I read a verse today that really hit me.

“Do your own work well, and then you will have something to be proud of. But don’t compare yourself with others.” Galatians 6:4 (CEV)

I am really hard on myself, hence why none of my weight loss attempts before the band would work. One mess up and I gave up. Not this time though. I am done “giving up” and done comparing myself to others. Sure, I am still going to screw up, that is human nature but the only failure is giving up. I need to realize that I have less to lose now, so it IS going to be slower and that although you can’t tell by looking at me from the outside, I am an active leukemia patient. It is there everyday affecting every part of my body. I need to “man up” to this fact and simply do the best *I* can do.

So, I am officially getting back on track.

What does this mean for me? Well, for starters…

• Tracking my food, good or bad
• Opening up my food diary and being accountable to “anyone”, see it here
• Drinking at least 8 glasses of water a day
• Exercising at least 3x a week, even if my fatigue only allows a 10 minute walk – I was successful last week and this week, although I have discovered my body can’t handle the 3 days in a row I have been doing
• Stay at my calorie goal at least 6 days a week
• Allow myself 1 day a week that I can go over by 500 max
• Not allow snacks/desserts in the house that are more than 250 calories, those have to be gone “out” for

These aren’t hard goals, but I do need to get back in sync with them. I did them easily for 14 months and I CAN do them again.

I realize not everyone shares my beliefs, but since it is my blog, I wanted to leave you with *my* reason for celebrating!

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“In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ[a] the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
“Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.” Luke 2:1-20 (NIV)

Sigh…that’s been a pretty accurate description of my last few weeks. Trying to meet mine and everyone else’s needs, wants and expectations even though it is causing my stress level to shoot out of the roof and my fatigue to almost become crippling. Will I ever learn? Let’s just go back through the last week, I won’t even torture you with the last few.

Where do we start…oh, Monday. Monday, I had work, Jacey had a dentist appointment and then we started painting my new office. Finally made it home about..oh…8pm.

Tuesday, yes, I  remember that day. We finally got to have our 10th anniversary flight (thank you God for allowing the weather to cooperate) and it was awesome. Since we had a sitter, Bry and I headed to lunch and then went to work. That afternoon/evening, we painted some more till we ran out of paint. Went to Crestview for paint (good thing Lowe’s stays open till 9pm, we barely made it) and dinner.

Oh wait, let’s not forget that I had a dentist appointment on Tuesday as well.

Wednesday, we finally got to start putting my furniture together in the new office. Only got partway through the first piece, because we had to head off to Pensacola for my doctor appointment. Finished Jacey’s school shopping while we were there and had dinner with a new friend. Came home and totally crashed.

Thursday, is my crazy day at work, so no breathing room there. Then, we dove headfirst back into furniture building. Why exactly did I not get it assembled before delivery?! Oh yeah, because I was trying to be a good steward and save the church some money…sigh. Even the whole family joined in building today. Managed to get all the pieces built and the only thing left is to screw the hutch to the desk.

Friday…yes, Friday…my day off. I actually got to sleep in an hour…LOL! We had Jacey’s open house/meet the teacher (so totally not impressed) and then headed back up to the church to finish my office. Got the desk connected, furniture in place and computer hooked up. Everything else is still sitting in boxes waiting for me to tackle tomorrow (Monday). Finally came home at 4:30pm because Jacey was supposed to go to the Destin Y for Parent’s Night Out and we were supposed to have a date night. The weather canceled pno although I cannot say I was too depressed. Tired can’t even begin to explain what I felt/feel like.

Now where are we..oh yes, Saturday. I did actually get to sleep in till 9am and it was pure bliss. Poor Bryan had to be up at 7am so he could take care of the yard. Saturday was the ribbon cutting and Kids Blitz. We had a fantabulous time and Jacey did great at the ribbon cutting. Kids Blitz was lots of fun and J even got picked to participate up on stage. Afterwards, we headed into FWB to don some more office shopping (since Bryan is making me put up pics this time…LOL). Found 2 frames at AC Moore, a wooden saying for my desk and a vinyl wall saying (it is a scripture verse) for above my hutch. Now I need to find/edit 2 pics for the frames and get them ordered. I can’t wait to see it all finished. Dinner was Olive Garden, even though I had meat thawed. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times we have eaten out this week and how much money we have spent on food. I’d probably get depressed.

Finally today. Church and Sunday school which marks day 8 up at the church. Don’t get me wrong, I love the church and love working there but the only place I want to be at THAT much is my house (or maybe Paris…yeah, definitely Paris:). Came home from there, ate lunch and crashed. Dummy me though forgot to set my phone to vibrate and in turn, the phone that rarely rings rang at the most inopportune time. Cleaned up Jacey’s room, got all her new school clothes hung up and made dinner. Now, here I sit doing nothign really. I should be editing pics for my office so I can get them ordered but I am not. Instead, I am going to finish this blog post, go eat my chocloate covered strawberries I was too full after dinner to eat and go to bed. Tomorrow it is back to work and back to school for my new little 2nd grader and another crazy week of things I need to do.

I need a vacation…

P.S. Maybe this will explain my lack of posting a bit though…eh :)?!

P.S.S Forgive the pics, I am too lazy to edit them right now.

1. I am learning recently that I am not superwoman as much as I want to be. There are some things that I have to let go of to maintain my sanity and a life.

2. Since the children’s building is almost finished at work, I am getting ready for the move to my new office. I had two to choose from, so I went up and chose this week. Bryan measured it for me and then I proceeded to go furniture shopping. What an ordeal. I found this first set which I fell in love with. Priced it online and then went to go order it from our contract sales website for that company. Total price was almost $1000 more than the regular website. Huh? What gives there. I left a message with our contract sales rep in hopes that they could get me a better deal but no call back, so I went shopping some more.

I found this second set at one of the other places we shop at and truly think it will work better. The first set still has my heart for finish and design but this set is more functional. This set was also more on our contract site versus the regular site but only by right under $100. I don’t understand why business customers get higher prices yet, we are bringing them business on a regular basis and typically in bulk. So, now I wait on our sales rep to get back with me and get these pieces ordered next week when I am back in the office.

The office is a rectangle but has a window, so my current paint color, jadesheen will be way too bright. So, I am going with this color, asparagus. I also plan to use chalkboard paint to make a rectangle over the credenza unit and then either find a vintage frame to finish it or some molding. Not sure what else yet. I get to move in the week of the 17th and can’t wait!

3. I noticed this morning, that I am no longer losing hair. YAY! About time.

4. On the other hand, my hormones are out of whack again. I thought the weight loss had helped the PCOS issues but they are back. Skin is breaking out like crazy, I feel like I am 14 again and that monthly womanly thing is nuts again after 8 months of regularity. I really need to get in to see my doc, but who has time?!

5. Speaking of the children’s building, Jacey gets to be one of the ribbon cutters at the grand opening on the 22nd. How cool is that! Our senior pastor will be holding the ribbon and Jacey and our junior pastor’s older son will be cutting it.

6. I finally updated the pics/video on the webpage if you’d like to take a peek. One of these days, I’ll get an update email sent out as well (I’d advise you not to hold your breath on that one:).

7. The word cancer is evoking some not so nice feelings from me these past few weeks. I am SO tired of being SO tired.

8. I finally found J’s school supply list on the school’s website, so we can start tackling that. Haven’t heard from the school yet about teacher/open house although I would think that should be any day now. Only 2 more weeks and a few days till school starts. Gee, I can’t believe I have a second grader now!

9. I am debating on taking a class at church with semester on Wednesday evenings while J is in H20. My friend Steph is teaching a class called “One Month to Live” which sounds really interesting but I am REALLY bad about sticking with classes. Adult onset ADD perhaps?!

10. Tomorrow is a squadron bowling event that I agreed to participate in. Wish me luck, this is the first “military” event I have done in a while. I normally stay pretty far away because there is typically a lot of drama that tends to ensue.

11. Made this for dinner tonight and it was delish…or should I say yummo, since it is a Rachael Ray recipe :).

12. Instead of doing what I should have been doing earlier, I played around again. Perhaps this is why I don’t get as much done as I should?!

Before

After
Totally Rad Actions: Oh Snap! @ 100%, Rusty Cage @ 100%, Claire-ify @ 80% and Yin/Yang as needed

13. I have only been working on this blog post, off and on since 6:30am…it is time for me to go to bed.

My faith. While I do not push it on anybody, I do wear it proudly!

1. So, this morning I was being a bit obsessive. Friday is my normal weigh in day, but I weighed in at 7:15am when I got up to use the bathroom and again at 10:45am when I got up for the day and the weights were over a pound different. Not sure how that happens, but the later weight was the lower one, so I am taking it…LOL! I am now sitting at 152.4, so close to that 80 pound mark (152). It would be great if I could make that by my bandiversary on the 25th. Technically, I should since it is that nasty TOM and I am holding water weight right now.

2. Wednesday, I went to Zumba for the first time. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall watching me…I would probably be dead, from forgetting to hold onto the wall for laughing so hard. I always considered myself pretty coordinated and took dance for numerous years as a child. After this class, I am beginning to wonder if Bryan’s two left feet have rubbed off on me. I had a blast though and was wringing wet with sweat by the time I was done, so I will definitely go back. Eventually I might even look like I am dancing to the music instead of being off in lala land.

3. My Mom bought Jacey one of those “as seen on tv” topsy turvy tomato planters that hang upside down. Amazingly, it works and Jacey has 5 or 6 green tomatoes out there right now.  It is also amazing just how much water it takes though, you forget one day and the tomato plant looks like it has been neglected for a week. I think next year we will stick with a pot on the ground, I am just not that on the ball.

4. Our 10th anniversary is coming up on the 31st (wow, that makes me feel really old even though I haven’t hit 30 yet) and we are going parasailing as an early gift to each other tomorrow. I am so excited, I have wanted to go for years! We thought we would take advantage of not having to fork over $60 for a babysitter and go now while J is in Texas. I think we are also going to go go-kart racing afterwards (and make a stop at Godiva, but whose counting) and then do an anniversary dinner at The Melting Pot next Friday while we are still childless. Bryan has already ordered my gift but I have no clue what to get him. 10 is tin, what the heck is that about?! I have one idea for him that I know he would absolutely love but it involves me calling in a “favor” and I hate asking people for favors…LOL! So, I’m still working on it.

5. I have pretty much stopped going to the lap band talk forum and only follow a couple of  great banders (a few are local and I’d love to meet someday). I found that I am doing great on my own and the obsession on the forum is driving me nuts. I want to live a real life, have real food and occasionally have a dessert. I want to be able to skip a day of exercise if I don’t feel good and realize it is not the end of the world. The point now to me is lifestyle changes and moderation…and, apparently it works :). I just don’t get how people feel they are going to maintain the weight loss in the real world, getting to “goal” by only eating pre-portioned, processed foods and never having to truly “think” about it. I’m sure some people won’t like me saying this, but it is my blog right and one of the few places I can have my opinion.

6. I am definitely happy with my level of restriction again. I can still eat pretty much everything, just not too much. I am still only back to what I was at in October (before all my gallbladder issues) but since I am almost to goal and will soon just be maintaining, I think I will be good for a while. Who would have thought it would take this little for me (I only have 2.5cc in a 10cc band).

7. “Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens.” 1 Thes 5:16-17 -  A good friend of mine reminded me of this verse yesterday and it really hit home for some things that have been going on recently. Definitely something to work on.

8. I miss my baby girl. 8 more days till she comes home!

9. I have been SO tired lately, I feel like all I do is work and sleep. I know my white blood cell counts are up again but I wonder if that is the cause or not. I see my oncologist again in September and don’t really want to go in before then just for tiredness. I guess that is just life with leukemia…sigh. Most days it doesn’t bother me, but some days it just sucks.

10. And so it begins, Relay for Life 2010. We have a round table discussion coming up this month and then we start actual committee meetings in August. I still wonder if I was having a moment of insanity signing up to be the vice-chair for the Niceville/Valparaiso event this year. It will be worth it though!

11. I would love it if everybody could take a few minutes to register here and help support our troops. This is a great (easy) opportunity and they appreciate it SO much!

12. Sigh, this was my last short week at work for a while and it is going to suck. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job but you quickly get spoiled to short weeks and long weekends.

13. Tonight Bry and I did an almost 4.5 mile walk to get ice cream. See how bad my addiction is (wasn’t I just talking about obsession earlier…LOL). At least I walked off half the ice cream so I didn’t feel SO guilty about eating it :).

• I’m not sure if you noticed or not, but I added a verse to my sidebar. A friend recently posted this on her facebook page and it was exactly what I needed to read at that exact moment. It is something I have really been struggling with lately.

• Jacey had her dentist appt/teeth cleaning today and it is official…the child has no chance of not needing braces. Should I start a savings account specifically for that now :)? Her teeth are perfect, no cavities, she is just like me and has too many teeth for her small mouth. She’s thrilled though about needing braces, although I foresee that opinion changing in the future. We go back in July, to get 4 sealants put on, since some of her adult molars are erupting.

• As ashamed as I am to say it, I miss Bryan…why, because he irons my clothes and I am out of work pants (I miss him for other reasons, but…). I have never had to iron and do a totally crappy job at it. I mean, in college I took anything that needed to be ironed to the cleaners just to get out of it only, that is not an option right now. After chaning size so rapidly recently, I do not have enough work clothes to be without them for a few days…sigh. Wish me luck as I drag out the ironong board…

• So, I went and picked up my race packet Saturday for the Gate to Gate…I am so excited, although I am not sure how I will do with my recently lack of training. That darn life that always seems to get in the way. I registered in the 25-29 age bracket, but my bib says 30. I know I won’t place, so I am not too worried about it…I think they could stick me in the 50+ category and I still wouldn’t place…LOL! Fast, I am not but once I get in my rhythm, I can go for miles. Next up after the Gate to Gate is training for a half mary in the spring…

• Sabotage. Such a serious word, but that is exactly what I am doing to myself and I can’t even figure out a good reason why. Am I thrilled to be smaller than I was even when I got married, yes. Am I truly hungry, no. Do I know I am making horrible choices, yes. Sigh and I was doing so well. Does the head hunger and mindless eating ever stop?

• And, because there are always so many questions about what exactly I have in my body and how exactly it works, here are a few pics. I have the Lap-Band AP, but I am also including a picture of the Realize band, because at the base of the model there are examples of how your stomach tightens as you get fills and restriction. The band is placed around your upper stomach and my port is stitched to the muscle wall about 2-3 inches below my ribcage, slightly to the right of center. Different docs put them in different places though. Pretty neat huh?! Bryan calls me his bionic woman :).

• Relay for Life was this past weekend and a huge success. The Niceville and Valparaiso communities raised more than $116,000 and we had 188 survivors present. I walked a lot less than last year, only 14 laps, but performing committee duties took a good portion of my time. I’m not sure how many laps Bryan got in, but Jacey did 23 and was bummed she didn’t get to do more. We had planned to stay all night this year, but the pull of our house only being 1.5 miles away from the track proved to be too much. We went home for a few hours but ended up being onsite 13 of the 18 hours. Now we get a few months break until the committee meetings and 2010 planning starts up again. Bryan even wants to be involved in the steering committee for 2010.

• I read this verse earlier in the week and I really wish I could live by it. Wouldn’t life be so much simpler with that fram of mind?!
  • “I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little.” Philippians 4:12 (MSG)

• So, I *think* we finally got summer sorted out (to an extent anyway). Looks like we will be in Texas for a week in June, with Jacey staying an additional 3 weeks between 2 sets of grandparents. I’m really not looking forward to the drive, but I am looking forward to a bit of a break, some real Mexican food AND a Texas cheesesteak from Texadelphia. YUM!!

• May must be “make parents broke” month. Jacey’s keeps coming home with field trip forms left and right this month. So far on the schedule is seeing Disney Earth and her gifted class is going to the Gulf Coast Exploreum in Mobile. The one in Mobile, Bryan and I are both chaperoning…pray for our sanity!

• Bryan is all packed up and ready to head out tomorrow to Savannah for a TDY. Lucky duck, one place I have always wanted to go (yes, so I can go see the Tybee Island Lighthouse and eat at Lady & Sons). It is a short one but I was still going to try to head over for a long weekend but just can’t get it to work out with all of Jacey’s end of the year testing and such…sigh. Next place on the agenda is Holloman AFB, New Mexico again later in the year and that is NOT a place I care to visit…LOL!

• You need to go check this guy out, Wayne Hall. He played at Relay For Life and was awesome. I could have sat there and listened to him for hours. It’s only him and his guitar, but that is all he needs.

• Tonight my flickr account is urgently urging me to renew my pro membership, my membership expires in 5 days…gasp! LOL! I just don’t know if it is worth it anymore though. I have had a pro account for 3 or 4 years now, but just really don;t use flickr much anymore. I use my web space, my blog and facebook primarily…we shall see.

• Can you believe, I have had a webpage for 12 years now?! Wow! If you’d like to see where it all started (and thank goodness, it didn’t stay that way) take a peek. My original webpage  was  http://www.angelfire.com/la/firstlady/.

• Saturday, I ran my first 5k…yes, I said ran. I have participated in them before, but only ran part and walked part. This time, I ran the entire thing. I was really hoping for a sub 35 time, which I know I can do but had 96% humidity and 22mph wind gusts working against me and instead came in at 36:01. It’s sad though, my daughter runs faster than me…LOL…she did the 1 mile fun run and came in at 10:51. The race bug has bitten now though, so I made up a list of races I want to run in. The next one is in April but that is a maybe, pending how fast I recover from my gallbladder surgery. I will be ready though, by the Gate to Gate on Memorial Day, come heck or high water :). If you’d like to see a list of the races, click here.

• Yesterday, we had an interesting experience. We went to Olive Garden for lunch and Jacey and Bryan sat on one side of the booth as normal and I sat on the other. When we are done and ask for the check, the waiter asks if we want them separate?! In almost 10 years of marriage,, we have never been asked that. It struck me as weird, but the more I started thinking about it, the more embarrassed I got about it. Is that the image we are portraying? That we are not together? Not in love? Not happy? Totally not the truth and definitely not the image I want to portray…must work on that one.

• I’m not going to go into details here, but could you keep my brother in your prayers? There have been some not so wonderful events nor grand decisions that have taken place and he (and my Mom) could really use them. Could you pray for a wake up call for him and peace/guidance for my Mom?

• We finally got the final approval from Tricare and my gallbladder removal surgery is now scheduled for March 9th. Bryan took leave and I took vacation that whole week. I won’t know about recovery times and such till my pre-op on Wednesday but it should be easier than my surgery last summer, since I won’t have my big incision this time. It is outpatient, so I will get to come home that day and at least NOT sleep in the comfort of my own bed…LOL!

• Well, once again the scale and I are not friends. Since my complete unfill, I have been going up and down with these same darn 3 pounds. I was trying to figure out why and when I look at my chart, I can see why I am not losing, but not why I am gaining. I am eating more calories than I should, but still way less than my maintenance amount…sigh. Do we ever truly know what is going on inside OUR bodies?! Heck, if I am not going to lose and am going to gain, I at least want my desserts back….LOL!

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Faith, hope and love…the true reason for the season.