{this is a vent, normally I would apologize in advance but, this is my blog so I don’t feel bad about doing it here}

People here lately are just driving me insane! I feel like I almost need to just shut myself in the house because stupidity is running rampant and I fear one of these days I will just say what I shouldn’t. Bryan says it is because everything is just black or white with me…it’s either right or it’s wrong. Okay fine…but why should I have to suffer because of their dumb choices….for example, my house has a squirrel(s) living in it driving me crazy with their scratching and scurrying around at all hours of the day. Entomology has came out 3 times now and done what they can but as I looked at my neighbors backyard today, I realized that they are fighting a losing battle. What squirrel is going to go anywhere else when they have constant free meals because my neighbors don’t understand the meaning of a trash can or the word clean?!? Really now, I thought I lived on a military installation, not in the ghetto!

Or, how about the neighbors that put their dog outside, in the cold and then leave and in turn force me to listen to the damn thing bark NONSTOP. Of course, the dog has no food, no water, no blanket, no house etc…so I don’t blame him for barking but come on…if you are going to have an animal, take care of it and do not allow it to become a nuisance to others. That is the exact reason I don’t have any animals, I don’t want the responsibility…didn’t really think that was a hard concept to grasp but I guess it is. The entomology guy has already had experience with this dog and said we had a right to call and complain just by what he saw but, me being the nice person that I am hasn’t called yet. So, I guess if I am not going to stand up and say something, then I really don’t have a right to complain. *sigh*

Anyway, onto something else…I am asking for advice here, so if anyone has any, please tell me. Jacey has been waking up almost nightly with night terrors. I know this is common at this age but how do you eradicate them? When she wakes up, she says she is scared but can’t tell me what she is scared of. She gets a hug from both of us and goes right back down no problems. When I talk to her about it the next day, she always says she is scared because “Pop’s is dead “(my Dad for those unaware). She can’t tell me why that scares her and when we talk about dad, she never seems scared then. I don’t know…I wonder if it is just her way of processing it now?!? He passed away in September and she seemed to do okay with it and understand that he was now in Heaven with God then but recently has started asking why Pop’s has to be dead and now the night terrors. I honestly do not know what to do….I HATE that she has had to deal with this at such a young age.

Then there is me…I think that Jacey’s night terrors have brought up the fact that I still haven’t fully grieved my Dad. I have tried to be strong for everybody else when I am really crying inside. I haven’t even talked to Bryan about it…I know that he would do ANYTHING for me but he had never had to deal with death before. The only person other than my Dad was his Bapa in 2004 but we were detached from that a bit. We were in the UK and he hadn’t seen them since Christmas 2001. I am sure this has a lot to do with why Bryan and I are fighting so much here lately, I am trying to push him away before he too is taken from me…maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much. I don’t know….

I often wonder why God does what he does…I know we are not supposed to question, just have enduring faith and everything will work out but I still would like to know. First, I had a sperm donor that wanted nothing to do with me…people make excuses for him all the time but let’s face it…he was in his 20′s when I was born, he should have been able to deal with it. Then, my Papa (my Mom’s Dad) who was like a father to me died right after I turned 12. Then, my Dad this past September..and while he was not my biological Dad, he was everything a father should be. He NEVER treated me any different than his biological children and I miss him like crazy. I miss talking to him about sports, watching movies with him, building things with him, going to games with him and learning from him. I know that he is in a better place now and is no longer in pain but I WANT HIM BACK. I wanted him to walk me down the aisle at our renewal since he didn’t get to the first time, I wanted him to see Cole (my brother) grown up and become a man, I wanted him to be able to see his granddaughter grow up and teach her how to throw a baseball. I just want to scream WHY?